#4

December 6, 1950

Dear Virginia,

The note I wrote to my brother  was written in the manner we communicate with each other. I am sure he could not interpret it  the way you did. Why he showed it to you is beyond my comprehension. Bless his poor heart! I couldn't blame him so much.

You are so understanding to consider the circumstances when it was written. Had I meant it, I should apologize to you now. But I didn't mean it. It was a humor calculated to let him best understand the state of my impatience.Neither did I expect him to do anything with it, much less to influence you in any way. Whatever relation he shall have with you, it is for his own account - his alone- and has nothing to do with me. and likewise, I assume that however you act with him, it is because of him and not of me.

 What a blundering fool I am! Impatience must have made me so. Why must I keep on hurting those that are dear to me? Parents do cry sometime because of the things I said to them - for their good, I assure you. It must be in the way I said them that the true meaning and intention of what I am saying is forgotten in the process. Gini, this is the first lesson you have taught me. Your name shall be the synonym of Patience to me from now on. I will not forget, for you have touched me deep.

The tune of your letter seems to put an end to everything before anything began. For a brief time, you have made me live again, made me feel the sun and the rain, instilled in me the ambitious endeavor. Once again they are all gone. No, I'm not proud. I must just be a coward. And that is just as bad. It took you to reveal myself to me.

How can I ask you again to take me after all these? You must say -"Well, the pretense is all over." For that is what you believe, that a man can go on pretending as long as he wants. Offering a lifetime is no pretense. The proof is self-evident. It is there for the taking. I shall ask you again when I feel sufficiently reformed of the evils that make my life a series of blunders. I may be worthy then. Whatever you are, I shall never retract the offer I made.

 I do not know how to ask you to be a friend - in the way you must understand I really meant. I want you Gini,  desperately so, be it a wife, a friend or an enemy. Have it your way. You will be my salvation in any way.

I have no right whatsoever to ask you - write to me! But, please do. You will be the link with the dark, unknown world to me. Believe it or not, yet I lie not.


With all there is,
Gomer