Oh! To the Atheist

what of your breath that you see not

or the temperate breeze giving you respite

     under the summer heat 

what of the tranquil sleep at the end of a day

     so assiduous

or the sunset that takes your breath away

what of the unborn baby nestled in his mother's womb

or the starry sky with the moon so bright

what of a love so true

or even the question that makes you ask "why?"

what of you?

what of you?

Post-Valentine Hangover

Impenetrable being, vulnerable heart

Quiescent as only the dark night can be

Intrepid soul, stalwart like a knight

He was the salted rim on her margarita

The lemon after her tequila

The salsa to her quesadilla

Tango til dawn comes

Samba when dusk falls

Kiss like a Sahara thirst quenched

And when the fires of passion die down

Hot coals of desire will keep them warm

Until words run out

Until words run out

Love Letters #1

( These letters tell a story of undying love. Special permission has been granted by Doña Virginia Derecho Vda. de Suarez. Thanks, Mom.)

 

11:30 pm
October 22, 1950

Dear Virginia,
                                                                                                                  
You know why I made this trip - that is, if you believe me, for I have told you the real reason. I would have told you more, but I was afraid you'd misunderstand me and call me impudent. Besides, there was no opportune time.

 I would have written you when I reach Cebu - as I told you. The fear of uncertain destiny urges me to tell you now that - I love you so. Who knows what will happen to the ship I am taking? Happen what may now, I shall be happy in death, fully conscious that I have not stilled the voice of my heart - even not knowing what the answer will be.

Gini, I love you! I love you so, with all the goodness of my heart.

I shall not have the opportunities of paying court to you - usual, before marriage. But I shall have a lifetime to do it - after. I promise you I will.

Gini, I am asking you to marry me. I have not said that to anyone in all my life - til now. Say the word, and I shall fly back to get you. If you want, tell me who are to be asked for your hand and I will humbly implore them to give you to me in marriage - the kind, you shall choose.

 Enclosed is my card so you will know where to address your letter.

 I pray and hope that this letter could deserve your answer. Please do!


Affectionately,
Gomer

                                                                          

#2

November 2, 1950


Dear Virginia,

I have just received your letter of the 31st today. To insure receipt of my answer to you, I am taking advantage of Jesus' voyage tonight.

My prayer has been answered in part- that you should answer me. The other part is obvious. Your letter couldn't be better - for the present. I do not mean its mechanics (although that is faultless). I mean its tenor - very becoming of the kind of woman I think you to be.

The risk of surprising you was great. I dared it with the great fear of scaring you away. I should not have begun at the end - that is if I followed the natural course of the thing. But to me, time is elemental. I'm in no hurry and do not brand me as being impulsive. Only that I want to celeberate it before the Holy Year ends. I believe in it! I hope you can see the way through like I do.

Talking about your present situations, whatever they are, I couldn't  think of any that I cannot do something to help - in a small way maybe. Unless- it's another man. Is there? [Please answer me true!]. Even at that I warn you, I will not give up. Believe me!

"I don't know how deep was its sincerity." I am glad you know it is sincere nevertheless. For its depth, I ask you to fathom a lifetime together of wedded bliss, understanding, sympathy, consideration, and eternal love; sprinkle it with some difficulty and suffering which must occur now and then (for we have the physical body) - that is how deep it is!

Now again and until then, I place the offering at your tender feet. When you bend to honor it, tell me, for then I shall look up to high heavens and say, "God, I have found the way. Never shall I be lost again!"


Affectionately,
Gomer


P.S. I am sending you my Scrapbook with the fond hope it can give you pleasant companionship. Take all the time you want.  Do not be in a hurry to return it. Have you ordered the pictures? Shall I?

#3

11:45 pm
November 17, 1950

Dear Virginia -


How are you Gini? I fervently hope you are on your feet well again.

Once again, I am coursing this letter through Jesus. That way, I will know it is not because you have not received my letter that you do not answer. My failure to receive an answer from you must therefore be due to some other reasons - good or real.

I shall not tell you that I live everyday, hoping to receive an answer from you, for that is the fact. I shall not tell you that every waking hour I think of you, because that is what I do.

Oh! Gini, how could I ever tell you all about me - my life, my love, my hopes, and plans - in the shortest possible time! These you must know (you think perhaps) so you could love me completely and solidly enough to take me for life. Otherwise, you must love me with faith as the sole guarantee.

You must have thought it strange how soon could I profess my love to you. Gini, in each of us, we carry unconciously within ourselves the prototype ideal with the myriad characteristics we peculiarly imbued with. Suddenly, a door opens, a person appears and you know in a blinding flash that the dream becomes a reality. It happened to me when I saw you.

How distance could be so cruel sometimes! It becomes a barrier to the easier understanding of feelings. Loving thoughts and plans I evolve in my lonely little room - a lot of them. I have written them but didn't send you - afraid, angrily afraid that you wouldn't understand them. The suddenness of them would surprise almost anyone.

I shall be patient and wait until you can get your bearing. In the meanwhile, all I ask - Is there a chance? Please do not extinguish the flame of the candle before you have lighted it.


Affectionately,
Gomer

#4

December 6, 1950

Dear Virginia,

The note I wrote to my brother  was written in the manner we communicate with each other. I am sure he could not interpret it  the way you did. Why he showed it to you is beyond my comprehension. Bless his poor heart! I couldn't blame him so much.

You are so understanding to consider the circumstances when it was written. Had I meant it, I should apologize to you now. But I didn't mean it. It was a humor calculated to let him best understand the state of my impatience.Neither did I expect him to do anything with it, much less to influence you in any way. Whatever relation he shall have with you, it is for his own account - his alone- and has nothing to do with me. and likewise, I assume that however you act with him, it is because of him and not of me.

 What a blundering fool I am! Impatience must have made me so. Why must I keep on hurting those that are dear to me? Parents do cry sometime because of the things I said to them - for their good, I assure you. It must be in the way I said them that the true meaning and intention of what I am saying is forgotten in the process. Gini, this is the first lesson you have taught me. Your name shall be the synonym of Patience to me from now on. I will not forget, for you have touched me deep.

The tune of your letter seems to put an end to everything before anything began. For a brief time, you have made me live again, made me feel the sun and the rain, instilled in me the ambitious endeavor. Once again they are all gone. No, I'm not proud. I must just be a coward. And that is just as bad. It took you to reveal myself to me.

How can I ask you again to take me after all these? You must say -"Well, the pretense is all over." For that is what you believe, that a man can go on pretending as long as he wants. Offering a lifetime is no pretense. The proof is self-evident. It is there for the taking. I shall ask you again when I feel sufficiently reformed of the evils that make my life a series of blunders. I may be worthy then. Whatever you are, I shall never retract the offer I made.

 I do not know how to ask you to be a friend - in the way you must understand I really meant. I want you Gini,  desperately so, be it a wife, a friend or an enemy. Have it your way. You will be my salvation in any way.

I have no right whatsoever to ask you - write to me! But, please do. You will be the link with the dark, unknown world to me. Believe it or not, yet I lie not.


With all there is,
Gomer

#5

P.O. Box 93
Cebu City
January 6, 1951


Dear Virginia,

Once again here I am in print to greet you  on Three Kings. How did you spend the Chrsitmas season, Gini?Christmas and New Years Eve - I spent in solitude. It brought me joy with the thought that you must be enjoying yourself with all the trimmings usual of the season.

The end of the season gave me a nascent realization of how selfish I have been during the old year. For instance - I have been greatly concerned with loving and wanting you, never giving a thought to what you want. I had the wrong thought that that would come in time. Now, I realize - it must come first.

So, from now on Gini, your slight wish is my command. If it is your wish not to write to me , be it so. No more impatience, my darling. I know now that to love greatly is to suffer greatly.

The New Year has brought me  an eternal quest. Once again, I pledge my deep and abiding love for you. This could never end however and whatever you do. Even death could not put an end to that - if we believe in the afterlife.


With all my love,
Gomer

#6

January 11, 1951

Dear Virginia,

The pressure of daily endeavor leads away my thoughts from you. Work is a great anesthetic to my ever longings for you. But I couldn't work the whole twenty-four hours. So, somehow, nighttime finds my thoughts meandering towards you. I have no refuge but write to you of them, in a brief way, so much afraid that it might bore you so. With your silence, I have no way of knowing if it is so.

As a drowning man would cling to a piece of debris, I persist on writing - optimistically hoping - that, eventually, I will reach the shore of your understanding. I have no illusion of reaching that shore easily. But so long as I can still breathe - gasping maybe - so shall I try to. I only hope the shore is not a mirage.

Please, Gini, talk to me!


I love you so.
Gomer

#7

January 25, 1951

Dear Virginia,

The nights and days I think of you - you become a part of me.  Can you hold that against me?  We have met so briefly and my life has so completely changed that it could never be the same. All endeavors lead me to thee.  Every little successes means nothing.  Without you, my future becomes blank.  You are my future. Without you, any failure is justified.  It could not matter to me a jot. That may be a cowardly alibi. But that's the way things are.

I have given my love to you so lavishly and completely that without you, nothing could matter to me anymore.  Beloved, say the words and my life is justified.  I shall dedicate it to your happiness and ours.


All there is,
Gomer

#8

April 16, 1951

My dearest -

Without you, the Brazil plan is off. And it is too late for that now - what with your usual reticence.

Did I step on your toes again in my last letter?  You have kept me guessing for a long time; you can continue that (I am game) as long as you don't die or marry someone. But I have a hunch - in death, you are  mine; and someone? - he can never completely possess you!

Can't you throw a few crumbs in my way?

Don't answer this letter if there is really someone. Then at regular intervals I'll check and just wire you : STILL THERE? If there is, don't answer me.

But please, when you transfer, (just in case) write me - I implore you!  You shall know of my whereabouts.

In exchange for the picture I have stolen in your album, I am sending you mine. Now, my conscience is clear.


Affectionately ever,
Gomer

#9

P.O. Box 93
Cebu City
August 16, 1951


My dear Virginia -

Once again, I find myself writing - breaking a vow of not writing ever again to any woman. Perhaps so, because this way is the secret emptying of my heart; more so, because I want to reach the inside of you without the external distractions.

I am at a loss which way to believe you. You have so unmercifully placed yourself in a position that blinds my understanding and imagination. Or I must just be plain stupid. What makes me feel that I am the one that can make you happy? Yet, that is my concern with such a love as I feel!

Sometimes I  have the feeling that you are not being fair and honest with yourself.

In my earnest endeavor for your happiness, I may only have become a disturbance on your tranquility. Lay down the rule and it shall be done. Write to me - oh, write to me - even if it may be the last, and I shall believe whatever you honestly want me to believe and do.


With all there is,
Gomer

#10

April 15, 1953


Dear Virginia -


The news I told you about may not be news at all - depending on one's attitude. At all events here goes:

For some time, I have shied away from you, not for the lack of the desire to see you, for I have wanted to, time and time again - that, you know. The main reason is that I must cleanse myself first before I approach you again.

And now, I feel cleansed of all a woman could justly accuse a man of; and free of all inequities and entangle- ments. That is considered as news to some who know how sordid my life had been.

So now, with a conscience clear, I put my case up again to you. Gini, I never have ceased to love you - not for a day since you know when. You are the only woman for me - the only one I would take under that particular holy sacrament. Three longest years have elapsed since I said that. You cannot say it is just a moment's fancy. Let's take it Gini, before we are too old to enjoy life's best.

Now, write to me, whether you think the above is news; whether it is good or bad news: whether it is worth the anxiety of your voice on the telephone.


Affectionately,

Gomer

#11

July 19, 1953


My dear Virginia,

Here again comes the voice from the wilderness. Much as it wanted to, oftener, helplessness stiffles it. Then sudden fear comes out again. The fear came last Saturday when I opened the morning papers. A pictorial account of a bridal shower given in your hospital appeared and before I could finish reading the whole caption, fear gripped my heart.

I was so afraid that finally I should lose you - alive, forever! God chose to be kinder to me, giving a respite - that it was not you. Then I breathed a little easier and begin to hope once again. I am still hoping, fearing, praying - you know what for. And sometimes comes the wishing that I die without seeing the thing that I most fear becoming a reality.

My case rests.


All there is,
Gomer

#12

August 20, 1953

My dear Virginia -

Even with the little crumbs thrown my way, my life has been reverified already. Once again, I am determined to make it into what it should be, in my own humble way. But you must help me! - if you may.

You have partly unfolded your plans to me; I have completely told you of mine. Yours is admirable because it is ambitious; mine is preferable because it is consummate!  But then the choice is yours and yours alone to make.

You know how much I want to see you, talk with you, be with you - everyday.  But on this matter, your choice is my pleasure - just as it has always been.  Somehow I hope, that you will tell me the preference you would take.


All there is,
Gomer

#13

March 17, 1954

Dear Gini-

After three days back in the harness, I have been able to catch up with work not covered by the relief. I feel a little stronger now and on the way back to health - better perhaps than ever before.

My outlook has been changed to the brighter side of life - you know why.  It may turn out to be just an illusion, but I'm holding true to all I profess to you and the rest is in the hand of God and yours.

You have made me happy now, happier then when you will be sure; and happiest when all my dreams and plans will come to a reality - you with me till the end.

Everyday I'm thinking of you and refraining from seeing you just as often so you can have a full rest after your duty hours.  Sunday afternoons I wish to see you.  You may have engagements then ( but go ahead with them); just the same, I'll try my luck and drop in your dormitory to see whether you are in. If you may, you can call me up and say that you will be out.

I'm enclosing tidbits of literature that have a striking ring with my feeelings. I hope you'll enjoy them.


Lovingly,
Gomer

#14

May 18, 1954


My dear Gini -

A letter to write - as usual, a voice in the wilderness, mine.  A letter to have been written - yours (as you promised); you didn't. Or if you did, you tore it away.  A little hunch I know of it more or less.  Had you done it and mailed it, it would have freed you from all unjustifiable complexes and inhibitions - maybe. I am very sorry for the both of us.

Little things can still be made milestones for some lifetimes.  Half a lifetime I have wasted waiting.  I can waste the other half away - still waiting.  I can afford it for my heart is full of you.  Sweetheart, come down to earth so that we can make a heaven of it.

I am writing you just after I called you.  I have to or go mad.  Yes, tonight is one of the crucial times I have had.  Thank God I still have my senses. I still think loving is better than dying - at least for now and anyway the end is coming for everyone.


Lovingly,
Gomer

#15

September 8, 1954

My dearest one -

Should I tell you how supremely  happy I am?  No, I must not!  The gods would envy me on such happiness as only mortals can feel.

You ask me to write everyday.  You know it's no chore to me.  But let's compromise for seven consecutive days.  How about that?

Whatever and however I write you from day to day, the theme couldn't be far different - it shall always be of undying affection till the end of time.

Ginia, "mia", you should know what you have done to me - my heart is singing; my head is lighter; my temper - milder; the world is brightr.  All these and more.

Tell me -  you must, how is it with you?  Write, my darling, even just a line.  That way, I will know, too, whether you are receiving my letters and how.

Good night, sweet one!


Lovingly,
Gomer

#16

(Virginia at 83)

September 10, 1954


Virginia - dearest,

What a wonderful, wonderful feeling I have! In my work, I'm singing; in my look, I'm smiling. Everybody looks happy. Is it because I'm that way? Are you happy, too?

While happy, still, a storm is raging in the inside of me - a rebellion against your being away from me. Each day I'm hungrier - hungry for your words, your look, your tenderness, your fragrance divine - your all! Must I starve longer more?

Say the things you want to say - before I cannot hear anymore. Write the words you feel - before I cannot see anymore. Life is unpredictable. It is later than you think.


Lovingly,  
Gomer




(Married on November 6, 1954 , the union lasted fifty-five years with seven children and seventeen grandchildren as witnesses to a love that like Gomer said, "even death could not part."


Happy Valentine's Day.)